While still working out the logistical details (time, date, etc.) I wish to put out there my current thinking about the call-in program I hope to start within the month. First, I want it to be solution oriented. There are many phases in the parental alienation experience and each one has its own special challenges. What I envision is an examination of each of these phases, looking for examples of what a solution would like like for each of them.
For example, during the phase where a parent has no contact with a child for a period of time, what would a solution look like? My thinking is that, if all avenues of access to the child or children have been reasonable exhausted, a solution would be more focused on the internal landscape of dealing with this situation. A solution might entail an examination of strategies from the various tracks of psychology that provide specific exercises and things that can be done to maintain a healthy self in the face of this dilemma. Within this one example, there is a wealth of empirical data that supports the fact that one can actually do things that helps turn this experience into not only something that one can hopefully survive, but something that one can ultimately grow from. This is the kind of thing I think would be helpful. And I would hope and anticipate hearing from those in the audience who have successfully found their own methods of dealing with these challenges.
Other phases of the parental alienation experience likewise will have their solutions as well. For example, if one is in the process of preparing for a court hearing or trial, there are practical do's and don'ts that often only are seen when it is too late. Solutions in this phase may include very practical input about the hidden land mines and trip wires that are the stuff of the Family Court System. For example: when can a GAL be a good idea, and when can a GAL's appointment be a disaster? There is a reliable calculus to this and this information can be shared and discussed.
My plan is to have guests on the program that can likewise shed light into their understanding of such solutions. In all, I hope this program to be a clearinghouse and laboratory for the development and exploration of such helpful solution oriented information. Input is invited.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
The Secret Rules of Family Court
Today I spoke with a parent who was following the direction of the court, and in so doing, contacted a Psychologist as directed. From the conversation that occurred between this parent and the Psychologist, it became fairly clear to me that the court had not been clear about the role that this Psychologist was supposed to play, that of evaluator or that of therapist. This is a very significant distinction in that the role of a therapist and the role of an evaluator are as different as night and day. It is surprising that very often, Family Law Judges are not aware of this distinction, and therefore issue unclear and ambiguous orders. The significance of this is that if she, in fact, was to contact this Psychologist to act as an evaluator, she herself should not have contacted him, but her lawyer should have. Her contacting him, assuming he was to act as an evaluator, would have tainted his objectivity to the degree that he probably would have declined to take the job as evaluator. The problem is nobody tells you these rules before you enter into these actions. The fact of the matter is that many otherwise well qualified attorneys and judges do not really understand this. I know that this must sound ridiculous, however I suspect many who may read this post can describe the price they ended up paying for not knowing any better
In Family Law there are many rules that are never described. Most often, parents learn of them after they inadvertently break them, honestly not knowing any better. In the adversarial environment of the the court, the hapless parent in the hypothetical example described above, could have been portrayed by the other side as perhaps sabotaging the whole process and the court's wishes, which was never the case at all. I would have difficulty counting the number of times I have heard the comment that "if I only understood then, what I now have learned now, none of this would have happened."
In Family Law there are many rules that are never described. Most often, parents learn of them after they inadvertently break them, honestly not knowing any better. In the adversarial environment of the the court, the hapless parent in the hypothetical example described above, could have been portrayed by the other side as perhaps sabotaging the whole process and the court's wishes, which was never the case at all. I would have difficulty counting the number of times I have heard the comment that "if I only understood then, what I now have learned now, none of this would have happened."
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Working with Attorneys
A recurring issue that I see repeatedly is that of working in concert with Family attorneys. Like most professionals, attorneys are habituated in how they approach a family law dissolution case, just as a physician approaches a medical problem with an analogous strategy. We humans are all creatures of habit and it shows in our work; even psychologists are this way am told. The interesting thing about family law cases with parental alienation present is that many of those habituated responses will not likely be successful. This is because the elephant in the middle of the room is the overall theme of false allegations of poor parenting, abuse, neglect, and everything in between. These cases must be approached differently and this theme must be exposed early on.
In my consultative role, I have had the opportunity to work with literally hundreds of family lawyers over the years. Many are not initially too certain about my role as a consultant, some are immediately openly inviting and some are skeptical and even a bit put out by another pair of eyes looking in on their work. So what I try to do is to show that I can be a powerful resource for them that can make their job easier and increase the likelihood of success in these difficult cases. What I have found generally is that even the initially skeptical attorney can be brought around to see how I can be of help. As with all things human it is about the relationship that develops in working together.
In my consultative role, I have had the opportunity to work with literally hundreds of family lawyers over the years. Many are not initially too certain about my role as a consultant, some are immediately openly inviting and some are skeptical and even a bit put out by another pair of eyes looking in on their work. So what I try to do is to show that I can be a powerful resource for them that can make their job easier and increase the likelihood of success in these difficult cases. What I have found generally is that even the initially skeptical attorney can be brought around to see how I can be of help. As with all things human it is about the relationship that develops in working together.
Monday, September 26, 2011
New Book Announcement
I am very pleased and excited to announce the publication of a book co-authored by myself and my friend and colleague, Robert Evans, PhD. This book, The Essentials of Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS): Its Real, It’s Here and It Hurts, is derived from a continuing legal education course that Bob and I created about four years ago. The purpose of the course was to educate family lawyers about the phenomenon of parental alienation and parental alienation syndrome as well as how to best litigate this problem in family court. The course was well received and I believe that we were successful in giving these family lawyers what was essentially a “crash course” in the problem of parental alienation. Since the audience was exclusively attorneys, our focus was very practical and explanatory.
We did not spend too much time on theory or history so much as we did on the “how too’s” of dealing with this problem in the adversarial family court system. We spent a fair amount of time on the issue of dealing with false allegations of abuse, as this is one of the most vexing and challenging that attorney’s must deal with. We spent a good amount of time addressing the fact that the family court system must contain a bias to protect the children that it is asked to oversee. We explained the fact that it is precisely this bias to protect children that is exploited not only by the alienating parent and his or her counsel, but potentially the entire adversarial system of family law. There was significant interest is how to overcome this, and I believe that we did a good job on how to do that, as just one example.
Several months ago Bob Evans realized that this very practical, hands on course, has a wider audience than just the attorney’s in our original audience, and I believe that he was right. So he set about transcribing the course and then editing it so as to be suitable for a book. The result is The Essentials of Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS): Its Real, It’s Here and It Hurts. We believe that this little book contains what are truly the essentials of dealing with this problem not only in the court, but outside of the court system as well.
We hope that you find it to be of assistance, and we always appreciate any feedback that you might have.
We did not spend too much time on theory or history so much as we did on the “how too’s” of dealing with this problem in the adversarial family court system. We spent a fair amount of time on the issue of dealing with false allegations of abuse, as this is one of the most vexing and challenging that attorney’s must deal with. We spent a good amount of time addressing the fact that the family court system must contain a bias to protect the children that it is asked to oversee. We explained the fact that it is precisely this bias to protect children that is exploited not only by the alienating parent and his or her counsel, but potentially the entire adversarial system of family law. There was significant interest is how to overcome this, and I believe that we did a good job on how to do that, as just one example.
Several months ago Bob Evans realized that this very practical, hands on course, has a wider audience than just the attorney’s in our original audience, and I believe that he was right. So he set about transcribing the course and then editing it so as to be suitable for a book. The result is The Essentials of Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS): Its Real, It’s Here and It Hurts. We believe that this little book contains what are truly the essentials of dealing with this problem not only in the court, but outside of the court system as well.
We hope that you find it to be of assistance, and we always appreciate any feedback that you might have.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Tragedy in Norway and Parental Alienation
Earlier this week, a 32 year old Norwegian man named Anders Behring Breivik blew up a government building, killing an uncertain number of people and then went on a shooting spree at a youth retreat, killing even more. The death toll is estimated to 76 at this point. His reason? He was trying to save Norway from Islam. While his acts are obviously heinous and horrible, and the work of a madman, we find that he does not look mad or crazy at all. He is calm, articulate and pleasant looking. He claims that he is guilty of no crime and that his actions are if anything, heroic. This how could this be possible? How is it possible that anyone but a psychotic could do such things?
At this point, you may well be asking, what does this have to do with parental alienation? Unfortunately, much more than you might expect. I believe that the simple answer is this: when motivated by hatred and fear of “the other” from whom they have been separated, unspeakable acts can and do occur, be they in a family context or in the context of politics. In the case of alienated children, they are taught to hate the targeted parent, and this hatred covers over a fear of displeasing the alienating parent. In this young man’s case, he had developed a hatred of the growing Muslim population in Norway, and had been taught to fear its continued growth. Just as alienated children often carry a sense of power, entitlement and a responsibility to protect, this young man seemed to feel a sense of obligation to obliterate what he came to believe was the growing Muslim threat in Norway.
Before appearing before a judge, he asked for trial to be public and even televised, so that he could educate the Norse population and indeed the world of his sense of what he saw as the horrors of the growing Muslim population. He also asked to be able to wear some sort of uniform during court proceedings, in the hopes of suggesting that he was acting in some heroic manner. Both requests were denied by the court. When we look into this young man’s background, we find that he had become more of a loner in the last three years. We learn that his isolation was hastened by his sister’s departure to the United States, when she married an American, and that his spare time became more occupied with internet games, blogging and the creation of a rambling manifesto reminiscent of that of Ted Kysgenski, whom he quoted directly. In other words, his spare time was spent alone in a room with a computer, through which he interacted with other strangers whom he would never actually meet. In this soup of isolation and social distortion, grew a sense of empowerment, hubris, and misinformed heroic obligation.
When children become parentally alienated, they are likewise isolated not only from the targeted parent, but also from adverse opinion as well as even interaction with those with whom may disagree. This sense of isolation and uniformity of perception is likewise intensified and cooked down into a powerful stew that overwhelms all other points of view. It turns out that Anders Behring Breivik parents had divorced when he was young, and that he had no relationship with his father for years. The New York Times described their relationship as being “estranged”. His father had since moved to France. While we cannot know this, it may be speculated that this man might himself be a product of alienation. If this was and is the case, it might be said that a template of isolation, hatred, judgment and cruelty, may have been formed many years earlier, and that it might have invited what later developed in this man’s mind.
As I review more and more cases where parental alienation is present, I see the same patterns. I see isolation from the targeted parent. I see this isolation as a fertile ground for the breeding of harsh judgment and intolerance. I see children claiming to be afraid but acting angry instead. This recipe of judgment, intolerance, distortion and exclusion is the breeding ground of the greatest horrors that we humans have ever created. On the large political and historical stage, examples include Nazi Germany, the Khmer Rouge, and Jim Jones. The list goes on. However on the more subtle and quiet home front, these same qualities may be seen in the parental alienation of children.
At this point, you may well be asking, what does this have to do with parental alienation? Unfortunately, much more than you might expect. I believe that the simple answer is this: when motivated by hatred and fear of “the other” from whom they have been separated, unspeakable acts can and do occur, be they in a family context or in the context of politics. In the case of alienated children, they are taught to hate the targeted parent, and this hatred covers over a fear of displeasing the alienating parent. In this young man’s case, he had developed a hatred of the growing Muslim population in Norway, and had been taught to fear its continued growth. Just as alienated children often carry a sense of power, entitlement and a responsibility to protect, this young man seemed to feel a sense of obligation to obliterate what he came to believe was the growing Muslim threat in Norway.
Before appearing before a judge, he asked for trial to be public and even televised, so that he could educate the Norse population and indeed the world of his sense of what he saw as the horrors of the growing Muslim population. He also asked to be able to wear some sort of uniform during court proceedings, in the hopes of suggesting that he was acting in some heroic manner. Both requests were denied by the court. When we look into this young man’s background, we find that he had become more of a loner in the last three years. We learn that his isolation was hastened by his sister’s departure to the United States, when she married an American, and that his spare time became more occupied with internet games, blogging and the creation of a rambling manifesto reminiscent of that of Ted Kysgenski, whom he quoted directly. In other words, his spare time was spent alone in a room with a computer, through which he interacted with other strangers whom he would never actually meet. In this soup of isolation and social distortion, grew a sense of empowerment, hubris, and misinformed heroic obligation.
When children become parentally alienated, they are likewise isolated not only from the targeted parent, but also from adverse opinion as well as even interaction with those with whom may disagree. This sense of isolation and uniformity of perception is likewise intensified and cooked down into a powerful stew that overwhelms all other points of view. It turns out that Anders Behring Breivik parents had divorced when he was young, and that he had no relationship with his father for years. The New York Times described their relationship as being “estranged”. His father had since moved to France. While we cannot know this, it may be speculated that this man might himself be a product of alienation. If this was and is the case, it might be said that a template of isolation, hatred, judgment and cruelty, may have been formed many years earlier, and that it might have invited what later developed in this man’s mind.
As I review more and more cases where parental alienation is present, I see the same patterns. I see isolation from the targeted parent. I see this isolation as a fertile ground for the breeding of harsh judgment and intolerance. I see children claiming to be afraid but acting angry instead. This recipe of judgment, intolerance, distortion and exclusion is the breeding ground of the greatest horrors that we humans have ever created. On the large political and historical stage, examples include Nazi Germany, the Khmer Rouge, and Jim Jones. The list goes on. However on the more subtle and quiet home front, these same qualities may be seen in the parental alienation of children.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Happy Holidays!
As the holidays fast approach, many of you who subscribe to this page and related sites, will not see your children this season. Those of you who do, may only see them briefly or perhaps under awkward circumstances. Those remaining who, to the untrained eye, may appear to enjoy more normal contact with your once alienated children, may see signs of the trauma and distortion of thinking that often remains the artifact of parental alienation. Finally, there are probably some of you who have watched your children go through all of these phases, and somehow come out the other end, effected in ways but no longer damaged.
The message I wish to convey is that regardless of where you and your children are in this progression, it is a progression. It is always moving and changing, even in spite of appearances to the contrary. With movement there is life and there is hope.
Happy Holidays!
The message I wish to convey is that regardless of where you and your children are in this progression, it is a progression. It is always moving and changing, even in spite of appearances to the contrary. With movement there is life and there is hope.
Happy Holidays!
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Lawyers and Parental Alienation
The more I have learned about the law and its practice within the Family Court setting, the more I am struck by how most (not all) Family Lawyers can be found in two groups. The first group are the lawyers who obviously did well in law school, clearly know the law, and understand the rules and their application. These lawyers are the ones who are most often flabbergasted by how the practice of Family Law is littered with violations of the rules and even statutes. It is like this group of lawyers are offended by the violations of the sacred rules, but have difficulty getting past that, saying often, "that was not supposed to happen," and then leaving the courthouse in disgust.
The second group of lawyers are composed of those who probably took the Bar Exam more than once, did not finish at the top of their classes and probably utilized all of the study guide short cuts (legal and illegal) available to them. These lawyers are not so troubled by the Rules of Evidence and Procedural Law, and are very comfortable in their abasement. These lawyers see such rules more as guidelines than rules and act accordingly. These lawyers will draft Motions and Pleading that do not follow the proper formulas, and lean instead towards hyperbole and accusations about the other party, albeit without any factual basis. This does not seem to trouble them either. This second group of lawyers can be a serious problem in cases where Parental Alienation are present. These lawyers will violate their ethical code as officers of the court and allege incidents that they know did not occur. They will lie freely and without compunction. I believe that they got this way because they get away with it more often than not. While these lawyers are devoid of ethical foundation, they are sometimes very good story tellers. Within the context of Family Court, this storytelling skill is very important and can create great difficulty when used improperly.
The rare find is the lawyer who belongs to the first group, but who also understands that the other side will violate every rule imaginable if allowed. These lawyers see it as being part of their job to prevent the other lawyer as well as the Judge from violating the Rules and the Law. These lawyers will take on the other lawyer in terms of their improper conduct as well as will then take on a Judge who is not doing their job. These lawyers understand that part of their role is to be a watchdog, keeping an eye on both the other lawyer as well as the Judge. They are willing to be perceived and difficult in order to represent their client's interest In the social reality of the Family Court culture, this is however, the rare lawyer. The other quality that they have they share with their more lazy and slovenly colleagues in the second group. That is, they are good at telling succinct stories, quickly and with conviction. These lawyers realize that their job is to get the Judge to identify with their client's situation. These lawyers realize that it is their job to get the Judge to feel what it feels like to be falsely accused and have your children taken from you. Finally, these lawyers prepare and give great thought to their presentations. They work at length with their clients and witnesses regarding their testimony and think about such things as the order of testimony and the unfolding of the story.
So here is is. These are the ingredients of the lawyer you are looking for:
1. The lawyer must know the law and the rules and be willing to fight for their enforcement.
2. They prepare excessively, and include the client in all of this preparation.
3. Finally, they are good story tellers, and they understand the importance of the story.
Good Luck!
The second group of lawyers are composed of those who probably took the Bar Exam more than once, did not finish at the top of their classes and probably utilized all of the study guide short cuts (legal and illegal) available to them. These lawyers are not so troubled by the Rules of Evidence and Procedural Law, and are very comfortable in their abasement. These lawyers see such rules more as guidelines than rules and act accordingly. These lawyers will draft Motions and Pleading that do not follow the proper formulas, and lean instead towards hyperbole and accusations about the other party, albeit without any factual basis. This does not seem to trouble them either. This second group of lawyers can be a serious problem in cases where Parental Alienation are present. These lawyers will violate their ethical code as officers of the court and allege incidents that they know did not occur. They will lie freely and without compunction. I believe that they got this way because they get away with it more often than not. While these lawyers are devoid of ethical foundation, they are sometimes very good story tellers. Within the context of Family Court, this storytelling skill is very important and can create great difficulty when used improperly.
The rare find is the lawyer who belongs to the first group, but who also understands that the other side will violate every rule imaginable if allowed. These lawyers see it as being part of their job to prevent the other lawyer as well as the Judge from violating the Rules and the Law. These lawyers will take on the other lawyer in terms of their improper conduct as well as will then take on a Judge who is not doing their job. These lawyers understand that part of their role is to be a watchdog, keeping an eye on both the other lawyer as well as the Judge. They are willing to be perceived and difficult in order to represent their client's interest In the social reality of the Family Court culture, this is however, the rare lawyer. The other quality that they have they share with their more lazy and slovenly colleagues in the second group. That is, they are good at telling succinct stories, quickly and with conviction. These lawyers realize that their job is to get the Judge to identify with their client's situation. These lawyers realize that it is their job to get the Judge to feel what it feels like to be falsely accused and have your children taken from you. Finally, these lawyers prepare and give great thought to their presentations. They work at length with their clients and witnesses regarding their testimony and think about such things as the order of testimony and the unfolding of the story.
So here is is. These are the ingredients of the lawyer you are looking for:
1. The lawyer must know the law and the rules and be willing to fight for their enforcement.
2. They prepare excessively, and include the client in all of this preparation.
3. Finally, they are good story tellers, and they understand the importance of the story.
Good Luck!
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