Holidays for the Targeted Parent

Each year about this time I have every intention of creating some sort of conversation, or an audio course, or something that addresses the uniquely piercing experience of the Targeted Parent during these holiday times. While, as you look around your world, it may seem like the neighbors and most strangers are having a very different holiday experience than you are, I would offer you this. If we have learned anything from the growing research regarding the alienated child's inner experience, we have learned that the surface behavior of the child is only part of the story. Granted, it is a big and often loud part, but it does not overtake the entirety of the child's experience. We have learned that, even when there is no outer splinter of evidence of the child still being connected to the targeted parent, we now know more clearly than ever that it is most likely still there, albeit silent and mute. Therefore, even in the absence of all evidence to the contrary, the deeper reality is f that the powerful connections of early childhood are still there.

Therefore, if I can offer anything during these holiday times it would be to suggest that this quiet but clear reality be focused upon. I would ask that you try to locate this and try to take refuge in it.

Pressure on the Courts for Enforcement

I received a note from a fellow professional who works with parental alienation cases. I have cleansed it of any identity clues and have cut and pasted it below. It follows:


I just received a desperate email from a parent who has been enduring outrageous behavior from their alienated children. These children are obviously acting out a mission on behalf of the other parent. In this case, this is transparently clear. The court had even warned that both parents must cooperate. The court had issued this "warning" before, however with no action. This case had a Parenting Coordinator, Evaluators and virtually all of the tools at the Court's disposal, and all basically agreed that one parent was orchestrating the alienation. There was not much debate. However, even with all of this unusual clarity, little - no nothing - had been done to hold this alienating parent accountable.

If there is a single failure (of all of the many minor ones) that is most tragic, it is the failure of the Family Court to act decisively and with the courage and integrity that was intended to have. The Family Court System has so very much to explain regarding its failure of doing what is best for the children it is charged to protect. We must make it our business to make it clear that the lazy and toothless responses that it so favors, will cannot be accepted.

This person goes on to advance various political suggestions which I did not include. I would however ask for responses from those who agree or disagree.

Thank You.

The Problem of Custody Evaluations

I got an email yesterday from a dad who underwent a custody evaluation that basically “got it all wrong.” The evaluator apparently believed the untrue things said about this dad, and it sounded like the evaluator did not even investigate the veracity of the claims against the father.

I get about two to three of these kinds of emails each week. They always describe a custody evaluation that got it wrong, was not properly investigated, but was nonetheless accepted uncritically as “the truth” by the court. Most of the victims of this - could be mothers or could be fathers - do not understand why all of this went so wrong. When I have talked to these parents I mostly hear that they were either given no preparation or advice about how to approach being evaluated; or I hear that they were given very bad advice that actually harmed them.

On a personal note, and as a former evaluator, I can readily say that I am routinely frustrated and even sickened by the systemic injustices that are committed under the banner of “psychological objectivity” in the performance of many custody evaluations. The fact of the matter is that custody evaluations are notorious for getting it wrong about as frequently as getting it right.

In response to this, I am preparing a document that basically tells you what you need to know about sitting through a custody evaluation when parental alienation is involved. It provides you with the tools to maximize your chance of being accurately heard by the evaluator.

In addition to this document, I am in the process of creating a much more detailed discussion in the form of an audio course, that takes the points made in the aforementioned document and expands on them with specific examples and suggestions.

If you are in the position of being evaluated or re-evaluated, I know that these resources will be of great assistance.

You Need More Than an Expert

I frequently receive email requests for expert witnesses in a given case, in a given town. The basis of the request is that if one has the right expert, the case is done. This is simply not the case. While having the right expert is an essential part of any case, it is only part of the puzzle.

Most targeted parents in PA cases have literally boxes of evidence in the form of emails, letters, recordings, etc. However, what most fail to grasp is that even the most voluminous box of the best evidence is basically worthless unless it is properly assembled so as to assist in the telling of the story of your case to the Court (Judge). It is the story that moves the Judge, not the boxes of evidence. The boxes of evidence operates more like the set in a play. It contributes to the story, but does not tell it.

The telling of the story in a way that causes the particular Judge who hears it to become moved to act in ways to take the children in question out of the situation they are in, is the goal. The evidence is the flour, eggs and milk, and the story is the recipe. Therefore, the construction of the story, the selection of specific examples with an eye to the specific audience of the Judge, is absolutely critical. In my experience, this is grossly misunderstood or under weighted in the preparation of Family Law cases involving Parental Alienation.

Getting Others to Understand Parental Alienation

I have just created a new course designed to get those who do not understand parental alienation, to begin to get it. This course was previously entitled "Parental Alienation: A Primer." I re-titled it because I got enough feedback to the effect that this title was not very clear or helpful. I appreciate the feedback!

Anyway, this course is conversational in nature and I believe very digestible for those who are just outside the circle of personal experience with parental alienation. This course explains why there is a tendency to overly criticize the targeted parent, and how this is a symptom of not really understanding the phenomenon.

I hope that this is helpful.

The link for the course is to the right of this page.

Misinformation Regarding Parental Alienation

I recently received a comment from a viewer regarding a video that I had posted. The comment said that PA and PAS was junk science and that protective parents had been accused of alienating their children from the otherwise abusive spouse wrongly. Sadly, I am sure that this has happened. However, as is repeatedly made clear in the literature, Parental Alienation should never be considered when real abuse does in fact exist. This is one key method to ruling it out. It is only to be considered when the allegations of abuse are false. Let me repeat that: Parental Alienation should only be considered when the allegations of abuse are false. When real abuse exists, parental alienation does not.

Therefore, when this sort of criticism arises, it suggests that the phenomenon of one parent influencing a child to become alienated from the other parent is somehow bogus, as though this never occurs. I believe that it is important to state that virtually all legitimate published expert opinion which is based on a great deal of literature and research, clearly recognizes that the phenomenon of parental alienation does in fact exist. One parent, under the right circumstances, can indeed influence a child to think badly about and eventually even reject that other parent. No reputable source would disagree with this. Therefore because of the fact that allegations of parental alienation may be falsely and illegitimately made, is not justification for eliminating the entire argument. Such an argument would be tantamount to saying that because some children have been erroneously diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, that ADHD does not exist.

New Course for Newbies and Neophytes

I have just completed a new audio course that describes the dynamics of Parental Alienation.

One of the things that occurs almost universally, is the phenomenon of the Targeted Parent having those in their lives who do not really "get it." I believe that all will agree that this phenomenon is so powerful and bizarre that those that have not seen it up close may have a hard time really understanding what is occurring. Therefore I have created a new audio course that is very conversational in nature, and I believe easy on the palate of understanding. I have made it as digestible as I know how, using elements of the other courses but putting them in a not too overwhelming format.

I believe likely candidates could be family members, lawyers, guardians, mental health professionals who have not had much traffic with these issues, as well as school teachers who become entangled in these cases. I believe that this course hits the mark, and as always, I look forward to your feedback.

I have entitled this course, "Parental Alienation: A Primer"

I wish you all well.