Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Dealing with Worry and Danger

Have you ever wondered why it is that after you tell yourself not to worry about something, or not to think of something that is painful, that you still find yourself worrying, and still find yourself thinking about the negative thing that you have no control over? Ninety-nine percent of the population will identify with this question and this experience. It is normal. Now insert the reality of an alienated child and a former spouse who places this child in the middle, and it is easy to see how this very human proclivity to worry and perhaps even dwell at times on the negatives of life, hits warp speed with the realities of loosing a child to parental alienation. It is like the realities of parental alienation takes this otherwise normal human foible, and blows it up into becoming the theme of one's life.

There are very sound reasons to explain why we are vulnerable to worry and may tend to even focus more on the negative than the positive. The reasons have to do with how we are hard wired, that is, how our brains are wired and how they have evolved over the centuries. We do have certain hard wired biases that have helped us to survive but also have created this vulnerability to be on the lookout for the negative. Add to that the unprecedented explosion of information technology within only the last generation, and it becomes easy to see how this informational excess, layered on top of this neurologically grounded vigilance, further drives us to warp speed, just trying to keep up. Again, then insert the alienated child into this maelstrom, with the themes of being falsely accused of things you never did, nor would ever do, and being treated as a criminal by relative strangers who perhaps used to be friends, and it is all the easier to see how being a targeted parent is such a challenge.

One good thing about we humans is, however that we are very adaptable. Human beings are about the only creatures (other than perhaps cockroaches I am told) who have successfully adapted to virtually all climates and environments known to this planet. Not only have we adapted, but even in the harshest environments, we call these extreme places home. We are very adaptable indeed. Likewise, I believe that parents who identify with the label of "targeted parent" of the parental alienation variety, can also learn to respond to the cruelties of parental alienation in ways that bring light back into their own lives, and that increase the chances of reconnection.

More to come.


Anonymous said...

Your comments about how we can become overwhelmed by worry, especially when dealing with PA(S), was right on target with this targetted parent. But knowing this reality is one thing. Dealing with it for years and years and years, is another. Chronic worry can lead to serous health problems of a chronic diabetis for example.
We, who are in this situation, are also trying desperately to find ways to make us both physically and mentally healthier. It is a very difficult, indeed arduous task. Understanding that for each one of us, it will be a unique path, surely, like with PA(S) there are some patterns, some common methods that have been (more or less) successful. Could we try to identify them with greater precision ?

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your explanation of worry and danger, and how being a targetted parent of PA(S) makes us especially prone to this on an onging, chronic basis. Add how it can affect our health, such as making us much more susceptible to serious illness, such as diabetis.
Understanding that, like with PA(S), each one of us has our own unique pattern, it would be very helpful to learn patterns and methods in common that surely must exist ( such as preventing cynicism from taking over the colouring of our perceptive glasses) that help us to maintain, regain, and retain our health and hope.